10 Times To Keep Your Lips Zipped Around Him
1.) When, after helping your friend move a couch up 6
flights of stairs, he cames home smelling like a Parisian in August but claims he's too fatigued to shower.
2.) While he's telling a cop that the reason he was doing
85 is that he's on his way to the hospital because "my, uh, wife here is sick - it's either pregnancy or ravies"
3.) The time you spy his credit - card bill and discover
that the questionable lingerie he gave you recently - red lase with nipple holes-cost him almost a week's salary
4.) When, in a fit of childlike excitement during the
baseball season opener, he launches into a 45-minute lecture informing you of the immorality of the designated hitter
5.) Five little words: Recliner. Tostitos. James Bond
marathon.
6.) When you first met his oldest and dearest childhood
friend and the guy's a pimply, dorky cretin with the charm of an IRS auditor
7.) After he has separted his shoulder by stupidly attempting
to dunk a baskeyball despite bing a 5-foot-9 econ major with all the muscle tone of David Spade
8.) During his teary-eyed viewing of Field of Dreams
9.) While he's whimpering and curled up in the fetal position
after eating a plate of "Satan's Ass" hot wings, despite your warnings
10.) The time yo ucome home from a trip to find he's cleaned
your apartment as a surprise-but realize he's thrown out your collection of spring catalogs, used you expensive soap to scrub
the toilet, and taken his electric razor to the cat thinking it would help your allergies
~Cosmopolitan
10 Ways Not To Save Money
1.) Put your rottweiler on a diet.
2.) Get laser hair removal for half off at a salon training
night.
3.) Give your "gently used" toilet paper another go.
4.) When treating a friend to lunch, point out the items
she's allowed to order.
5.) Skip the liquor store and try to come up with new cocktail
ideas involving mouthwash and vanilla extract. (unless a college student)
6.) Go "shopping" with Winona.
7.) Take advantage of the low fares offered by "What's That
Noise?" Airlines.
8.) Break each birth-control pill in half.
9.) Take up knitting and give all of your friends made-by-you
shrugs for their birthdays.
10.) Move in with your boyfriend and "forget" to mention
it to him until your lease is cancelled and your CDs are mixed in with his.
~Cosmopolitan
What's Your New Years Resolution?!
Mine are:
To get back to the people who always loved me unconditionaly.
To lose a few pounds.
To stop being so judgemental.
To stop letting go of the ones that love me.
10 Phrases You Should NEVER Say to Your Boyfriend
1.) "I'd say the itching is only slightly worse than the burning."
2.) "Guess what? I'm pregnant. Gotcha! Just kidding...I think."
3.) " I bet you would really enjoy participating in my book club."
4.) "Yikes, I keep spacing on taking my lithium."
5.) "So I was talking to my girlfriends about that problem you had with your 'little friend'
las night, and they think..."
6.) "Your dad's pretty sexy for his age."
7.) "I can't believe he jumped her - she should send out a newsletter about all the jerky
things he's done and make him regret ever meeting her for the rest of his miserable life."
8.) "I'm so turning into my mother."
9.) "There's no way in hell you'll see me at that office once I have my first kid."
10.) "Celibacy is the new black."
~Cosmopolitan
10 Things You Should Never Do In His Pad
1.) Claim a shelf in the linen closet for your tampons. Oh, who are we kidding, he doesn't
have a linen closet.
2.) Have sex on the couch he's had since college, unless you're into old cheese puffs, stray
wing nuts, and the scent of socks.
3.) Recycle his colection of Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues (every year since
1987!) to make room for the complete works or Thomas Hardy and any other literature you think he really should read.
4.) Forget to check the ecpiration date - on anything that makes contact with your body.
5.) Replace the beer and bologna slices in his fridge with artery-friendly fare such as soy
mild and tofurkey.
6.) Learn to progam his VCR, then set it to tape Providence (or Y&R for me!) in perpetuity.
7.) Leave bottles emblazoned with scary and baffling names like Vanishing Cream and Sag Serum
in this medicine cabinet.
8.) Follow your fend shui book's advice and hang a crystal mobile in the "relationshit" corner
of his living room "ro bring more sparkle and ectitement to you partnership."
9.) Venture into his Web broser's history folder to find out what he's up to online. (only
sometimes)
10.) Attempt to make his roommates mroe considerate by taping a sign reading Cool Guys Remember
to Put the Seat Down above the toliet.
~Cosmopolitan
15 Things You Should Do Before You Get Married
1.) Date a guy who's only fling material
2.) Live solo
3.) Make peace with your dating demons
4.) Pay off your credit-card debt - NOW!
5.) Take a vacation with a bunch of friends
6.) Welcome curveballs (trying out a reality TV show, taking a scuba-diving class, going
out on a blind date)
7.) Be your own ideal date
8.) Make a new friend you didn't meet through school, work, or antoher pal
9.) Quit your dead-end job
10.) But one big-ticket item
11.) Learn what rocks your boat sexually
12.) Master several entire meals
13.) Fight when you're treated unfairly
14.) Love your bod already
15.) Behave badly
~Cosmopoltian
